In my journey as a father I’ve adopted a major rule – do not be reactive in your interactions with kids.

Primarily, I mean being reactive to the feedback that comes from the outside of your family.

Too many parents come down pouring at their kids the moment an email from the teacher comes in. Or the moment a neighbour calls.

Don’t be triggered by these things and stick to your plan.

You need to be the point of origin of everything you do with your kids.

Not teachers, not other family members, not their friends. How all third parties interact with your kids is, frankly, their business, and your kid needs to learn that other actors will be enforcing their boundaries in all possible ways.

But you are not a punisher working for third parties.

It’s your job to explain boundaries, but it’s not your job to enforce other people’s and institutions’ boundaries.

So if someone wants you to act with your kid some kind of way, don’t immediately change your schedule for it. Don’t ruin a perfect day, because you never know what your kids will remember for the rest of their lives. What if it’s an image of you jumping at them after reading that text from their teacher in the middle of a bike ride? Is it really worth it?

“I’ll deal with that later” is a perfect answer.

“Talk to him please!”

“I will, sure! A bit later.”

Do it when the time is right. When they feel comfortable sharing.

In our fairy-tales (and in Homeric Europe way of doing things!) no one has tough conversations fast. First, the guests bathe, then they are fed, then they sleep. Next morning is when the talks take place.

There are obvious benefits of that approach:

You establish and maintain your authority

When things go along your plan, they feel to respect that.

Even uncomfortable discussions happen when you plan them, not anyone else – and your kids get to respect that.

Your confidence spreads over other areas of your interactions.

Your kids feel safer

They know you’re not siding against them, they expect you to be just, and they know you will decide on their punishment or praise without being impulsive.

Make it clear you’re on their side but you want to help them avoid the inconvenience of dealing with negative feedback.

The kids are more receptive to discussions

When someone else gives them sh*t they enter protective mode, and anything you say will fall on deaf ears.

Any type of bad behaviour needs to be addressed in a calm and comfortable setting.

You are more important for them than the teacher, the neighbour, or even the grandpa.

When to be reactive

1. Of course, you should be reactive and act super-fast when it’s about health and safety of your kids.

Restore safety first, think about lessons the educational value of the situation later. If your kid makes a mistake that puts him or her into danger – fix it all and protect the kid immediately, that should go without saying.

2. If your kid does something obviously ill-directed like pushing a younger sibling. Stop it right there, but also discuss it later when the time is right. Make sure to act without anger or starting a boring investigation on the spot (I know you want to).

3. If the situation is safe but requires that you act fast (tickets, purchases, applications, etc.) – push the kids to act fast but again, rationalize all of that later.

If there’s one thing I want to communicate in this post it’s this: never ever snap at your kids or yell at them immediately after some third party wants you to.

You are not a punisher.

Have a plan and act according to it.

It’s your job to filter out the crap from the outside world and process it before you give it to your kids.